


My Pain Is Yours

by micah_exe



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, My First Fanfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-29 23:32:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11451357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micah_exe/pseuds/micah_exe
Summary: Evan let out a shaky sigh as he studied the marks littering his arm, the other covered by a cast. It’s not like he was the one to do this to himself. Although he has thought of it, he was too scared to pierce his skin with the thin blade. The only explanation he could come up with was that dumb thing that Jared had always told him, where any mark left on your soulmate’s skin will be left on your own. Evan always shook him off because let’s face it, it’s Evan. He didn’t believe that he could have a soulmate. No one ever wanted to deal with him or even knew he existed in the least. There must have been some other reason for these little scars scattered up and down his body. He shook his head slightly, reminding himself that he has to get moving if he wants to make it to school on time. He shrugged on a jacket before grabbing his bag, heading towards the door swiftly.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story so it might be awful. I tried to write the characters well so if they're out of character I'm sorry. I would probably go on apologizing for everything but that'd just be boring, so I'll just stop now lol.

Evan let out a shaky sigh as he studied the marks littering his arm, the other covered by a cast. It’s not like he was the one to do this to himself. Although he has thought of it, he was too scared to pierce his skin with the thin blade. The only explanation he could come up with was that dumb thing that Jared had always told him, where any mark left on your soulmate’s skin will be left on your own. Evan always shook him off because let’s face it, it’s Evan. He didn’t believe that he could have a soulmate. No one ever wanted to deal with him or even knew he existed in the least. There must have been some other reason for these little scars scattered up and down his body. He shook his head slightly, reminding himself that he has to get moving if he wants to make it to school on time. He shrugged on a jacket before grabbing his bag, heading towards the door swiftly.

Upon arriving at school, everything seemed the same. He could literally feel the weight and pressure push against him just by walking through the doors into the busy scene. His grip on his bag tightened as he moves around the crowds, avoiding as much contact as possible. As much as he would like to perhaps be a part of those groups of people (or even just be friends with one person), he figured it’d be better to just learn to be a watcher instead of a part of the action. He breathed out as he made it to his locker. The hallway was more spacious in this area, not a lot of people stayed by these sets of lockers. It gave Evan some time to recompose himself and prepare himself for whatever will happen today.  
He enters his combination into his locker, still having to repeat the numbers in his head as he did so. The action wasn’t muscle memory yet, no matter how much he had practiced it before school. He grabbed the books and binders he’d need until he had his next chance to go to his locker before closing it softly and turning on his heels. He held the books close to his body with his right hand. The other didn’t have much use anymore until it healed. Evan hummed to himself as he noted that a casted hand can be a metaphor for life. He continued to occupy his busy mind with this idea until the loud sound of a locker slamming shut interrupted him abruptly and he flinched harshly.

The boy whipped his head around towards the sound. A taller boy, with longer, darker hair stood shaking at his locker. His fist was clenched tight. He recognized him to be Connor Murphy. They never had any huge interactions but he has been witnesses to a few of his major outbursts. All Evan figured out about him was that they probably shouldn’t get involved, unless he wanted to come home with more broken bones. The girl standing next to him, Zoe Murphy, his younger sister by a year. His face brightened a bit when he saw her. They’ve never really talked, but it’d be a lie to say that he hadn’t developed feelings for the girl. Of course, he couldn’t help but glance at her arms. They were so clean. It always hurt him a little, even if he knew that it wouldn’t happen, that they wouldn’t be a thing. He didn’t believe in the whole soulmate thing anyways.

Zoe also looked tense, she was glaring at her brother. She looked strong but Evan noticed the slight shake in her hands. The two hadn’t broken eye contact until the girl huffed and turned, her brown hair whipping behind her. The boys had both watched her as she stormed away. He wondered what had just happened between the two. Evan picked at the edge of his cast with anticipation. He knew nothing would happen but he just felt so on edge and weighted whenever he saw her. He just blamed it on himself being a teenage boy filled to the brim with anxiety, though. 

All of the sudden, the normal weight just seemed crash into him, harder this time, making his chest tighten up for unknown reasons. His eyes flickered to the side and he caught his breath. Connor Murphy stood by his locker glaring straight at him. Evan literally jumped once he heard him speak. “Why the fuck are you just standing there?” It was a simple question...minus his cursing, the way he spat it out, his tone, expression. They all just seemed to make the question ten million times more powerful.

“I- uh- um…” Evan stammered out with worried eyes. He quickly dropped his gaze to the floor realizing that Connor’s was way too intense and he’d never get another word out at this rate. “It’s j-just that… I-I was concerned a-and--”

“Concerned?” He raised an eyebrow before scoffing. “Yeah, sure.” He threw his bag over his shoulder and pushed past the smaller boy. “Just fuck off, okay?”

Neither of the two expected a response, so both of them froze when Evan spoke. “O-okay!” Evan covered his mouth when Connor turned to look at him. They just sort of stared at each other for a moment, Connor’s stormy eyes meeting Evan’s soft blue ones. He hasn’t felt this tense in so long and was almost a hundred percent sure he might just faint. In that moment, he let his eyes trail down to the other’s arms, for some reason Evan wish he knew. His eyes widened a bit to see faded scars covering the boy’s wrist, just like the ones on his own. Connor followed his eyes and realized where he was looking. He frowned deeply before yanking down the black hoodie sleeve. “Don’t try to fucking act ‘concerned’,” Connor said harshly, voice just above a whispered. Evan watched his retreating form before glancing down at his scarred skin. His thoughts were racing faster than his heartbeat. He really needed a break.

Evan breathed out before regaining his posture. Well, attempting. In all honesty, that shook him up quite a bit. It’s obviously just a coincidence that we both have scars, Evan thought. The idea of someone like Evan being with someone like Connor was just way too far fetched. Especially since he was straight, and was pretty sure that Connor was, too. Maybe they were even going through the same situation? Mysterious marks showing up on their skin, just trying to find out why. Evan nodded as he reasoned with himself. Though as much as he tried to ignore it, there was this little voice in the back of his head constantly bringing up the possibility that Connor Murphy was his other half. It was like a quiet tapping of a pencil. It’s just a repetitive sound but for some reason, it’s causing way more anxiety than it should be.

Finally, lunch. It’s never really any better than the actual classes but it did give him some time to think and stop that little thought of his from growing too big. Evan realized he was holding his breath and he wondered how often he’s been doing that after the terrible encounter earlier. His eyes passed over the mass of students, looking for the one person who held some importance in the group. His breath hitched slightly when he saw the familiar head of the one and only, Connor Murphy. He sat alone at a table close to the back of the cafeteria, where there were only a few other groups. “How fitting,” Evan mumbled to himself. He continued his search until he laid his eyes on Jared Kleinman. He wasn’t exactly a friend, Jared always corrected him when he referred to him as a friend, said that they were only family friends, but he knew him so it doesn’t matter. Quickly, he moved towards his form.

“Hey, Hansen.” Jared gave a cheeky grin to the boy as he looked up from his phone. “Any news on the marks yet?”

Evan rolled his eyes. “You ask me that every day, let it go.” He shook his head slightly as he pulled the chair and sat down, resting his chin on his non-broken arm. “You care more about my love life than your actual life, it seems.”

Jared snorted. “Definitely not. I couldn't care less really. I’m just curious is all. I mean, scars are way more big of a deal than this bruise I have on my arm. I don’t even know if that’s ‘cause of me or someone else.” The two gave a small laugh before Jared shifted closer to Evan. “So you haven’t met anyone at all who has scars?”

“No… Well, nobody I want to. You know Zoe?” Jared hummed in response. “I keep checking her but she’s always clean.” Jared frowned slightly, about to give the other a bit of reassurance, before his face lit up a bit. Evan didn’t like that look. He just thought of something, probably something against his own wishes.

“You said nobody you wanted to? So that means you met someone.” He wiggled his eyebrows a bit and Evan frowned. “So who was it?” He shook his head a bit, but Jared kept pushing. Finally, Evan sighed and gave in.

“Connor Murphy…” He mumbled into his hand.

Jared’s eyes widened slightly. “Holy shit… Are you... gay?”

“No, no, no, no!” He shook his head frantically. “It’s just a coincidence, okay?”

Jared snorted and rolled his eyes before he leaned back in his chair, humming. “Whatever you say.” Evan groaned and buried his head in his hands. Jared wasn’t going to make things any easier for the poor boy, and he knew that very well. And if there’s another thing Evan knew, was that he did not like boys. Especially ones like Connor. He let out a small sigh and he fixed his thought. He hardly even knows Connor, so he shouldn’t judge him like that. He might not be as bad as people make him out to be. He might actually have a nice personality if he was with the right person. He actually looks kind of peaceful at the moment, Evan thought. His hair was tucked behind his ear, chewing on his fingernail, he looked so focused on whatever he was doing that it was almost actually kind of cute.

At that moment, Evan shot up from his chair, startling the boy next to him. He did not just think Connor Murphy, a boy, was cute. He felt his mouth grow dry as he glanced over at Connor from across the cafeteria, blinking quickly before shaking his head slightly. He bit his lip before looking down at the other boy. Jared stared up at Evan with a confused look, “Dude, are you okay?”

“U-uh…” He fidgeted with his cast, his face showed an odd combination of horror and worry. “N-no-- I mean, y-yeah but I just--” He looked around and realized people were looking at him before quickly sitting down again, scooting the chair as close to the table as possible and dropping his head onto the surface. “I just need a break…”

“You’ll be alright.” Jared patted his back gently, despite the sarcasm laced in his voice. “There, there, Evan. 

After a few minutes of attempting to clear his mind, he groaned before rubbing his face. “I’m going to the bathroom…” He stood up again, this time slower and less abruptly. Carefully he made his way out of the cafeteria, avoiding eye contact with everyone, and made it to the bathroom in one piece.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing these at like, 2 AM. Is that a bad thing?

Evan gripped the edge of the sink. This shouldn’t be bugging him this much, so why was he shaking so much from this? Obviously, he was just overthinking this whole situation. Looking up at himself in the mirror, he studied his face for a moment, trying to calm himself down. “Deep breaths,” He told himself quietly. Evan took a quick breath before nodding. “This is fine,” He reassured himself, “Just a coincidence. I mean, plenty of people cut themselves, so it doesn’t mean anything. Besides, I always told Jared that I didn’t even have a soulmate so why would that change now?” He nodded again, this time with a bit of confidence in his action. He pushed himself away from the sink.  
Evan cocked his head to the side when he heard the door open. His now calm expression quickly turned to worry when he made eye contact with Connor Murphy, again. It was just as terrifying as the first time. Connor’s eyes flickered across Evan’s expression and he relaxed his shoulders a bit. The taller boy let out a small breath before speaking, “There’s usually no one in here…”

“S-sorry, I was just leaving…” Evan spoke quickly and moved past him towards the door before the other boy could reply. He put his hand on the handle but he hesitated. Glancing behind him, he watched as Connor moved slowly to the back of the bathroom. He caught a glimpse of the new and old cuts on his skin as he slid down against the wall, pulling out a lighter from his pocket. He studied the brunette’s expressions, he looked really mad, there was even a slight shake in his hands. If he squinted his eyes, it looked as if he was even sad. Evan let out a shaky breath as he removed his hand from the handle and went back to the sink. Connor wasn’t his soulmate, but maybe he could be a friend.  
Connor glanced up to see Evan standing awkwardly in front of him. He raised an eyebrow and gestured to the door, “Weren't you leaving?”

He opened his mouth to speak but only little sounds made it’s way out. Evan started fidgeting with the end of his shirt nervously, before taking a quick breath and looked down. “I-I know you said th-that I shouldn’t be c-concerned but I just wanted to know if… If you were okay…? I-I mean you don’t have to tell me anything b-but I just... Wanted to know if I could help…”

The boy studied him for a moment before frowning, passing the lighter between his hands. “People always say they can help. But they don’t even know what it’s like to have problems, so how would they know anything? Doubt you’d be any different.” His voice sounded kind of weak at the moment, it still had a sharp edge, though.

“I j-just wanted to know if--”

“Look,” Connor slammed the lighter onto the ground and glared at him, “I don’t fucking care if you’re trying to be nice, okay? You really don’t need to get involved. I don’t fucking need help, especially from someone like you.” His sudden force caused Evan to jump a bit. “Just leave.”

Usually, at this point, Evan would just leave. He felt like that would be the wrong thing to do, however. He felt as if he had to befriend Connor Murphy. He felt a small surge of confidence as he held out his arm. Evan doesn’t like to lie. Usually, when he lies, they spiral out of control. This was just a small lie. A white lie. Connor doesn’t need to know he’s not the one who left the scars. He just needs Connor to know that he understands. And, he does know how Connor feels, so this shouldn’t be a big deal. “A-actually, I do know what it’s like to feel how you’re feeling… Which is exactly why I wanted to help.”

Connor studied the boy’s wrist silently. This didn’t change much, but maybe Evan could help him. Maybe it would actually be good to let someone into his life. Of course, Evan still had his own problems, too. He wouldn’t want to make things harder for him. He’ll just wait a bit, see how things turn out first. Connor gave a small sigh before he reached out and grabbed his hand and shook it. Evan felt a small smile grow on his face before shaking back.

Connor retracted his hand and leaned back into the wall. “I’d love to get friendly and all, but you might want to get going, Hansen. Next period is starting soon. I’m pretty sure you aren’t the kind of person who would take being late lightly.”

He exhaled a bit before shrugging. “It’s only one day, they won’t notice I’m gone anyway.” Connor snickered a little bit, Evan gave a small laugh in return. 

Connor nodded his head to the side, “You wanna sit?” The smaller boy nodded quickly before moving forward and dropping himself next to the other. Connor picked up the lighter from before and studied it, moving it around in his hands and then sighing, shoving it back into the same pocket. “So what happened to your arm?” He asked, eyeing Evan’s casted arm.

“O-oh,” He brought his arm closer to his chest, in a protective manner, “I was climbing a tree a-and I lost my grip. Next thing you know, I was on the ground with a numb arm...”

Connor snorted, “That’s pretty fucking sad.” Evan gave a small, nervous laugh as a response before Connor continued. “No one’s signed it yet. Do you want me to?”

The boy shook his head, “Y-you don’t have to, I mean I don’t even thi--” Evan was about to go on and on about all the reasons why Connor wouldn’t want to sign it until he got cut off.

“Do you have a sharpie?” Evan gave a quick nod before pulling out the sharpie from his pocket. He hesitantly surrendered his arm to the other and watched as he scribbled his name onto his cast. For some reason, he felt his face grow hotter. It was probably just because Connor was basically on top of him while attempting to write. And then that thought sent a full wave of red to spread across his face. Nice going, Evan, he thought to himself. 

Connor leaned back and marveled at his name written across the smaller boy’s cast, his smile bigger than before. “Sorry I wrote it so big, there was a lot of open space so I decided to use it.” He capped the marker and handed it back to the other.

“That’s fine, don’t worry.” Evan studied the cast, mentally urging the unwanted blush to go away. He gave a small laugh before continuing, “I wasn’t planning on having anyone else sign it anyways.” Connor hummed and leaned his head against the wall while Evan traced over each letter on his cast softly. Suddenly, he reminded himself what he had intended to do in the first place, “Uh, Connor?” The brunette glanced over at him, “What was wrong earlier? You looked really mad…”

Connor’s expression went from relaxed to a deep frown in a matter of seconds, “Listen, I appreciate the concern and all, but it’s really none of your business.” His voice wasn't as harsh as before, but it still kind of stung.

“O-oh, okay. I’m sorry.” Evan bit his lip gently as he averted his gaze. Connor realized that may have come out a little more rude than he intended, but in his defense, he’s never really tried to be super nice to anyone. This thought also made him question why he felt he needed to be nice to this boy. He looked down at his hands and picked off little bits of the black nail polish, exhaling slowly. He figured he should apologize.

“I-I should probably head to class now.” Evan stood up as soon as Connor opened his mouth to speak. “So, uh...Bye.” He gave a small wave as he rushed to the door. Connor cussed under his breath and dropped his head into his hands. He probably just lost his first and only friend. 

“Hey, uh, Connor?” He looked up from his hands to see Evan standing at the door. “I’ll see you around, yeah?” The dorky boy had a small, nervous smile on his face. Connor grinned a bit and nodded his head in response. Evan let out a sigh of relief before he gave a small nod and opened the door, walking out.

“Holy shit,” Jared whispered as he grabbed Evan’s arm, examining the new and only name signed on the cast. “Did you befriend Connor Murphy? Or did he sign out of pity? No wait,” Jared gasped as he looked up at the other boy. “You really are gay!”

Evan frowned as he pulled back his arm, “He’s just my friend. Well, I think.” Jared raised an eyebrow and Evan quickly corrected himself. “N-not that we’re more than friends! I-I just meant that we might be less than friends b-but I don’t know he seemed like he wanted to be friends. So, uh, yeah…” Evan rubbed the back of his neck, he could feel the faint blush growing on his cheeks again.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Dude, you’re even blushing. You have a serious crush on this guy, you can't deny it."

Evan glared at the other boy and hissed at him, "I'm blushing because you're embarrassing me, not because I like him! And I told you, I'm not--"

"Mr. Hansen? Is there something you would like to tell the class?" He whipped his head around to see the teacher standing by his desk, tapping her foot impatiently. Shaking his head frantically, he attempted to stutter out some sort of excuse but, of course, only fragments of words came out. The teacher sighed before turning, "First you were late, now you're talking in class. One more interruption and you're out, got it?" Evan nodded quickly and watched the teacher walk to the front of the class again.

The boy let out a quick sigh before dropping his head onto the desk, mentally going over the things he would have said to the snickering boy next to him to make him shut up. If he had the courage to, that is. And if he knew that Jared wouldn't just laugh at his attempt to not be a pushover. Of course, that's all Evan was. A hopeless pushover who definitely was not questioning his sexuality. Well, maybe just a little bit. He would never admit that to himself, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have too much crap to do these days. Maybe a planned schedule for posting these won't happen after all. Eh, either way, the next chapter should be out soon.

**Author's Note:**

> That was it for the first chapter! I know not a lot happened, but there'll be more in the next chapters. I'll try to post on a schedule, as well. If you liked it and want more, please tell me. Constructive criticism is also appreciated!


End file.
